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Issue 15
Spring 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 16, 2021

Arms Shipment Nothing But Weapons From CLUE

By Colonel Mustard
LOS ANGELES, CA - A local retail black-market weapons dealer, who asked us not to use his real name so let's just call him Joe...Joe McLastName, was deeply chagrined upon examining the contents of his latest overseas arms shipment, after returning from the abandoned warehouse down by the dock last night at 4am. The crates marked "Unsuspicious potatoes" contained 500 each of six types of objects: a 40-foot length of rope, a chef's knife, a bent lead pipe, a rusty wrench, a 1920s-era single-action revolver, and a brass candlestick that would probably go for 45 bucks at Pier 1.

"What the fuck?" pined McLastName. "I was promised deadly weapons. These might prove deadly under the correct circumstances - say offing an estranged business associate or jealous lover at a formal dinner party - but suffice it to say that the vast majority of my clientele will never find themselves in such a situation."

Weapons seized by the LAPD

"Who ever heard of a drive-by candlesticking?" he continued. He apparently held out some hope that he would at least be able to move the handguns, until he realized that ammunition for these guns had not been manufactured for sixty years.

"I regret now having ordered the 'Grab Bag Variety Pack weapons special'. At the time it seemed like it would add a little fun to my work, which I often find to be so mired in routine. And it came highly recommended by my contact Vick. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. I mean, naturally I'm going to kill Vick, but still."

Playing Cards Used by the LAPD to Identify Illegal Weapons

To add insult to injury, it turns out that all of the weapons in McLastName's shipment are catalogued on playing cards at the LAPD forensics unit, according to police chief Gary Cramer. All an investigating detective would need to do in order to solve a case committed with any of these arms is name the weapon in question, the location of the crime, and the guilty suspect, and see if any of the other detectives held the corresponding cards.

"You'd think we'd be able to tell by examining the body whether someone was shot or strangulated or clonked over the head," Cramer told us, "but that's not how it works in these cases. Did you know that eleven percent of murders committed with these weapons take place in a conservatory? I don't even know what a conservatory is!"

Despite the grim situation, McLastName vows to make the best of things. "I guess I could replace 14 inches of someone's plumbing with this lead pipe. That might give them like a one percent chance of getting lead poisoning. That uncertainty can be much scarier than getting your head blown off with an Uzi."

"Ah well, at least between these candlesticks and these wrenches, I'm covered for Mother's and Father's Day for the next 500 years."  HSP 





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