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Arms Shipment Nothing But Weapons From CLUE
"What the fuck?" pined McLastName. "I was promised deadly weapons. These might prove deadly under the correct circumstances - say offing an estranged business associate or jealous lover at a formal dinner party - but suffice it to say that the vast majority of my clientele will never find themselves in such a situation."
"Who ever heard of a drive-by candlesticking?" he continued. He apparently held out some hope that he would at least be able to move the handguns, until he realized that ammunition for these guns had not been manufactured for sixty years.
"I regret now having ordered the 'Grab Bag Variety Pack weapons special'. At the time it seemed like it would add a little fun to my work, which I often find to be so mired in routine. And it came highly recommended by my contact Vick. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. I mean, naturally I'm going to kill Vick, but still."
To add insult to injury, it turns out that all of the weapons in McLastName's shipment are catalogued on playing cards at the LAPD forensics unit, according to police chief Gary Cramer. All an investigating detective would need to do in order to solve a case committed with any of these arms is name the weapon in question, the location of the crime, and the guilty suspect, and see if any of the other detectives held the corresponding cards.
"You'd think we'd be able to tell by examining the body whether someone was shot or strangulated or clonked over the head," Cramer told us, "but that's not how it works in these cases. Did you know that eleven percent of murders committed with these weapons take place in a conservatory? I don't even know what a conservatory is!"
Despite the grim situation, McLastName vows to make the best of things. "I guess I could replace 14 inches of someone's plumbing with this lead pipe. That might give them like a one percent chance of getting lead poisoning. That uncertainty can be much scarier than getting your head blown off with an Uzi."
"Ah well, at least between these candlesticks and these wrenches, I'm covered for Mother's and Father's Day for the next 500 years." HSP
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