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Issue 16
Fall 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 31, 2020
 
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Biden Quietly Appeases Liberal White Racist Demographic

By Joe Biden
WILMINGTON, DELAWARE - Hello America. You may not know me, but that's perfectly OK. I'm Joe Biden and I'm running for Vice President of the United States of America. I look just like Vice Presidents are supposed to — like in movies — and I have the advantage of actually having been a US Senator for 25 years. So why am I the perfect VP? It's not my extensive foreign policy experience, my solid legislative record, or my many years of being the second poorest member of the senate. Its actually something a bit more superficial, yet crucial. I'm the perfect VP because I'm old, extremely Caucasian, and reassuring to white voters who are liberal but reluctant to admit they're afraid of black people.

Joe Biden's campaign efforts largely focused on persuasive "mass e-mail" to thirty friends and family members

Whiteness aside, I have perhaps the most normal first name in American history and my long record of verbal gaffes ensures that no one can seriously call me an elitist. To top it all off, I'm actually reasonably qualified for the job. I'm politically experienced and internationally savvy, having served for years as the head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. I also won the VP debate easily, although that's not saying much, considering that my opponent thinks the Earth is younger than her running mate. So if, God forbid, something terrible should happen to the President, at least you'd have the peace of mind of knowing that someone competent — if not drop dead gorgeous — would be in the White House. And although I'm old enough to demand respect, I'm not so old that you'd be worrying about America being a heart attack and a Moose Accident away from Nancy Pelosi, if you know what I mean.

Although my political smile is admittedly a bit fake and off-putting, at least I have feeling and muscle control over both sides of my face. In addition, I don't need to pretend to be religious, nor am I a fundamentalist nut job, having been staunchly and solidly Roman Catholic all my life. While I may not be the media's darling, I ask you America, to look beyond the glam and the glitter and focus on the substance of the issue. We must stand up against the marginalization of VP candidates not resembling Cinemax librarian porn star Tina Fey impersonators. If you're white, well-off-but-not-quite-rich, Judeo-Christian, and leaning Democrat, I'm basically just like you. And don't worry, while I'm still standing, I won't let the man in charge get back at you for years of oppressing people of color. For I, Joe Biden, will be the vanguard of your right to remain prejudiced and bigoted, as long as you don't childishly vote against your own interests out of fear in November.

Also See "Will White Working Class Democrats Vote For Obama?"  HSP 




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