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Issue 09
Spring 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021
Snoop Doggy Dogg Formally Announces 2008 Bid For Vice Prezzidency

By Snoop Doggy Dogg
Straight Outta Long Beach, California - I ain't no foreigner. I was born here. Long Beach. The LBC. 213. Nineteen Seventy One. Knee deep in the hood if there ever was any such thing. Now you may not be up on all that gangsta geography, having not listened to enough of me or Dre's albums as a shorty, but just to be perfectly clear, my birthplace is located smack dab inside of the crayon tracks that my little Snoop drew around the map of this little imaginary place called USA. If you don't believe me, you can see it 'fo yo'self on the fridge. My boy's got talent! But I digress.

Let me continue with my long list of qualifications, and drop 'em like they hot. I'm so patriotic, you have no fucking idea. If there was a terrorist in here, I'd pop, not one, but two caps in his ass. Also, I'm my son's little league coach. What's more American than baseball? Well, I guess there is war and economic exploitation of other countries and racism, but people don't usually like to talk about that. But anyway, all I'm saying is that it's about fuckin' time they got a black man up in the White Hzouse. And I ain't talking about cleaning anyone's shoes, yo. I'm talking about being all up in that shit. I'm talking about being the Vice Prez-o-dent of the United States of America. Cause what I'm saying is, Arnold, my brutha, put me on the mutha fuckin ticket!

"Hey Arnold. You Suck!"

"Who the Fuck is this? Is This Politickle Me Elmo Again? Call me again and I'll shove my fist down your stomach and rip out your goddamned spine! 9 times!!!"

"No, this is Cookie Monster. Goodbye"

Come on people, you know he wants to run for the burrito grande. Who you trying to fool, big man? Nobody ever said some shit like you was a good actor or something. I'm not saying that I didn't thoroughly enjoy "T2" and "Kindergarten Cop" - in fact, you was maybe the only cop I didn't want to bitch slap - but let's just say, you'd be more likely to be getting a call from Oscar the Grouch than the Academy. And Oscar the Grouch is a fictional character, even though he did live in tha hood, with his apartment straight out of the projects and shit. But anyway, I said it. The man can't act for shit. But that don't mean Arnold can't be the Prez-o-dent.

Even so, you might still ask me, Snoop, why don't you just go for the real deal? Why you gotta try to get in with the Cally-G on the sly, considering all the civilly right moves that have been happening towards making it OK for the black man to be the man? Let's just put this all in Con-Text. And I ain't talking about some shit you'd write in prison. Chris Rock's already been in a bad movie about him being a black president. Dennis Haysbert has been further legitimizing the black man as commander in chief on one of my favorite Televizzle shows, Twenty 'Fo, although I still can't help but think of him as Pedro Cerrano from "Major League", with Wesley Snipes sacrificing Kentucky Fried Chicken for him to avoid angering voodoo God/action figure Jobu. But anyway, so why not a little Snoop for the Grand Master Office? Well there is the whole thing about me not wanting to get shot, but other than that, you know, all I gots to say is that I'm just being a practical Dogg.

The Running Mate of The Running Man? Why The Fuck Not? Telavizzle and Cinamizzle already got it.

The constitution's practically changed already. Arnold, got that shit on the front page of USA Today, today! When that happens, it's like another ten minutes before its on page fifty 'fo section 13, subsection B, clause six, amendment XXVIII, or whatever that shit is, and when that happens, you and I both know the Governizzle's got this thing all wrapped up. As much as I personally value the cinematic excellence of "Soul Plane" and my supporting roles in "Old School" and "Starsky and Hutch", I know that shit don't compete with "Total Recall" and "The Predator". Sheeeiiit, I can't even hold a candle to "Commando", and that was a terrible fuckin movie, with him single handedly killing off the whole population of some anonymous South American country with one machine gun with infinite bullets and a steel pipe. With a record like that, he's got the perfect qualification to lead a great peace loving nation like the USA, with nothing but a benevolent history in Latin America.

As for me, Murder Was Tha Case, but they acquitted my ass, so my street cred's still on the down low for a "war time" Prez-o-dent, although, in truth, Bush didn't have no problem with bein' a' quitta.

Anyway, it's clear that people are already talking about Arnold being the prime contender, but the best thing about the Snoop campaign is my flexibility. And I'm not talking about touchin my toes, which ain't easy cause I'm six foot 'fo. What I'm saying is that I'm the best man for VP cause I don't really even care who the Prez-o-dent is.

And I don't give a fuck about what party I'm at as long as it's a party if you know what I'm saying. If Hillary Clinton, the Legislady of P-funk, wants to set up shop and draft bills with the new Fillabusta Rhymes, so be it. If John McCain wants to ride in my '64 with the Gansta of the GOP, hell, get in the car mutha fucka! And let me tell you something you might not have known about John McCain; he may be Republican, but that white dude's got an adopted Bangladeshi daughter. At least he ain't stuck forever on every thing always gotta be about the white man. In our second term, we could legalize a little somethin' somethin' and use the government proceeds to finance the campaign, if you know what I'm saying. I wonder what Russ "Captain Chronic" Feingold would be like after 16 hits off the gravity bong. Actually, he probably wouldn't be that different. But anyway, if John Kerry runs again, damn, get on the boat with Snoop and I'll swiftly bring on a bling blinging gold heart to match the purple one. Hell, George Bush may still decide run again in '08 after people figure out that he actually did lose this election. I would even welcome him to my ticket with open arms, but I'd probably end up icing him so I could be president for a day be'fo I got capped by the PNACollada. But let's cross that bridge when we be there, a'ight.

Despite my policy of whoever the fuck is running, I be there, I'm still directing my plea to the Gubernatorial Gangsta of my home state. And on that topic, he iz my governor. So independent of this whole campaign thang, let me just say that if he don't legalize the Chronic by 4:19 pm tomorrow afternoon, Pacific, I'm gonna have to do something illegal within about 60 seconds, if you know what I'm saying. You know I was just playing when I said I was givin' that shit up. But anyway, my boy Arnold is primed to pick me as his running mate. Even his name's got all the right etymologizzle dizzle. Schwarzenegger. Let us deconstruct this, shall we? Arnold is from Austria, right? And Schwarz, means black in German. I ain't makin' this shit up. Just look it up in the Ebonics to German dictionary. It's tha same in Yiddish. What, you think just 'cause I'm black means I don't speak Yiddish? Damn, if I was Jewish, I'd use the menorah to light a grip of phat joints, one for each of the 8 crazy nights. Then I'd use the candle in the middle to light a jzoint, so packed with ganja, you'd have to roll that shit up in a rug just to get it onto the Channukah table. Damn! But anyway, back to Schwarzenegger. So the first part of his name tells me he's practically a black man. As to the last part of his name, well, we don't even need to go there.

"You callin' me a RepublicEnemy? Sheeeeiiit, You must be smoking some Democrack. All I know is I'm staying Independent of all that shit. It's practically raining RepubliCats and Doggs out here."

And besides, I've got a whole bunch of my boyz and galz ready up in there to drop some sizzle dizzle in the cabinet. With his background, Dr. Dre is the natural candidate for the Sectretary of Health and Human Services. My man Warren Sapp, he's already the Secretary of Defense, so we don't even need to change a thang. Lauren Hill can bitch slap Condoleezza "Pleaze can I have some" Rice, and take over as Secretary of whatever she is now. If Tupac wasn't dead, we could put him up as Secretary of State, cause he always did state what was on his mind. And how 'bout Howard Dean to fill the Secretary of Free Speech slot. I ain't never seen nobody get they ass whooped so much by the media for showin' some emotion. Last time I heard, screaming wasn't criminal. You go Howie D. Keep those lungs pumpin'. Holla!

What else we got? Chris Rock for Secretary of Comedy, no doubt. Ice Cube for Secretary of Pimps, Lil' Kim for Secretary of H-to-the-izzoes, and DJ Whoo Kid for Secretary of Education. Cause it's all about the kids, yo. If he also wasn't dead, I'd even go hip hop bi-partisan and give a shout out to Biggie in the name of East coast-West Coast love, although it seems more like we need a little Red State - Blue State love at this juncture in U.S. History. Even Jay-Z can kick it as Secretary of Interior as long as he promises not to leave the hzouse...Sheeeeiiit. MC Solar can patch shit up with France, and can be Secretary of Foreign Affairs, if we even have that one. But for reals, I got a whole nutha gang of ProteDJ's ready to fill up anything else in the cabinet. I'd even recommend a few other white people, although Eminem gots to go. And once Arnold and I, the only real American on the ticket, by the way, are done choosing everyone, you know what else I'll keep in the cabinet, or on the counter, for that matter, after I legalize the fuck out of that shit. I don't even need to say a thang about that in regard to my platform as it should be clear as a mutha fucka that I'd make it a national priority.

To finish up, although I've put it all together about how I should run for VP in 'fo years, don't think I don't have my sights set on a loftier goal. Twenty Twelve, Twenty Sixteen, or whateva. But personally, if it was up to me, I'd sit pretty until Twenty, Twenty'Fo. Constitution changing and foreign white presidents aside, it might take about that long for someone who ain't a white man to get the big OK from the people, at least, if current demographic population growth models are correct. Disenfranchise this, bitch! Until then, if you don't pimp for me to get on the ticket, at least buy my album, smoke some Mary Jane, and give a smile to all people of color, which means all people. Even white people got a little tint. Arnold's practically Red, but somehow, mixed with a little Blue. And with this non-haiku, I say goodnight to you, busting rhymes as I go...RepubliCats Ho! Sheeeeeeeiiiiiiit.  HSP 





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