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Issue 10
Fall 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

March 23, 2023

Where Did the Day Go?

PRINCETON, NJ - Have you ever caught yourself at the end of a day, wondering where all the hours went? If so, then you're not alone. In fact, you've hit upon the same question that's been puzzling a small group of Physicists from the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study who have been secretly laboring at this problem for the past six years. Dr. Tim Ely, the self proclaimed spokesman for the group, agreed to tell HSP a little about the group's astonishing results.

"Well you see," explained Ely, "having time fly by unnoticed is something that just about everybody experiences, especially physics researchers. Most of us just push it aside as some weird psychological phenomenon due to too much procrastination, having too much fun, or simply smoking too much weed (so I've been told). But now, for the first time, utilizing a breakthrough in the burgeoning field of wormhole technology, we now believe that this problem is actually something amenable to the tools of modern science. In fact, the preponderance of evidence now supports the idea that this phenomena is caused by the greed of humans in the 22nd and 23rd centuries."

"Think about it," Ely urged while tapping his forehead, "One hundred years from now, techniques of mass production will ensure that just about anything you could want will be dirt cheap. The only commodity that you can't mass-produce is time. Sure you can lengthen your lifespan a bit, but wouldn't it be cooler if you could add on a few hours to the day? It looks like somehow, someone in the early 22nd to 23rd centuries (we're not sure exactly when) has figured out how to do exactly that."

"And since the time had to come from somewhere, they simply suck it out from their past - our present. For them, this is just like us drilling for oil, where we could not care less about the trillions of little prehistoric marine animals who had to die so that we can fill up the tanks of our SUVs. We are decades away from creating our own wormhole, but we have finally developed instrumentation that can detect the effects of wormholes others have made, and with a high degree of certainty, it is my duty to report that, indeed, we detect suckage."

When asked how long he and his team have known about this outrage, Dr. Ely quietly replied, "We've been keeping this discovery under wraps for a number of years now. Unfortunately, some of those years were simply stolen away from us by those futuristic barbarians, making the situation a little more difficult. Suffice it to say, we wanted to hold out until we could gather conclusive evidence. You see, the time pumping companies of the future don't want to have to deal with hysterical anti-industrial activists living in the past, any more than oil companies do today. As soon as they read in their history books that they were discovered, they simply pickup camp and drill somewhen else. All I'm saying is that the next time you feel as though a large chunk of your day was mysteriously snatched away from you, it may be just that."  HSP 





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