Shaving Your Face Off Has Never Been Easier
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By Chuck Alpha
Head of Public Relations,
Shavenex Co Inc.
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Hey there! Remember when
Shavenex revolutionized shaving
forever by revolutionarily creating
a revolutionary two-blade disposable
shaving revolution? With our
seamless design and economical
pricing, it was like getting two
blades for the price of 1.9! Never
a company to rest on its laurels
(which are pretty sharp, by the
way), however, a few years later
we came out with the incredibly
amazing and unprecedented
THREE-blade razor! We promised
that it was the best, closest shave EVER, a promise
we kept for almost nine months - a veritable eternity
in the world of disposable shaving systems - when
we unveiled our innovative FOUR-blade razor, and
declared in numerous ads that using an obsolete
three-blade razor
was like having a
rabid badger gnaw
your facial hair off.
I don't mind saying
now that we
ditched that fourblade
piece of crap
faster than
Superman changes
into his outfit when
our mind-bogglingly original FIVE-blade razor hit the
market. But that was just the beginning....
Old razor
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The deranged chaos that ensued over the next several
months in the disposable shaving market, I am
proud to say, brought tears to the eyes of many confused
consumers. Any company would be delighted
to have wrought such abject befuddlement to those
who use its products. “After trying your 14-blade
razor, I'll never go back to the single-digit blade
count again! Yesterday in desperation I tried an 8-
blade razor, only to have chunks of my face fall off
like I was some sort of zombie leper! Oh dear god
help me!” Such letters from satisfied customers are
what make my job worth doing.
Finally it seemed like things had calmed down with
the debut of the 23-blade Shavenex HydroMech
Aquatron Palladium Turbo Triple X Plus. 23, we
claimed, was the absolute maximum limit on blades
that fundamental physics would allow.
Well thanks to breakthrough advances in string theory,
dear customer, I am happy to announce that
that is no longer the case! Introducing the
ultra-new high-tech futuristic SHAVENEX NBLADE
RAZOR!!!! By utilizing the universe's
curled-up hidden extra dimensions, we've
crammed so many blades onto a razor head
that it's physically impossible to count them!
What's the value of N? God only knows, but it's
bigger than whatever the hell you're using
now! I know what you're thinking: “I'm happy
with N-1 blades. What does the Nth blade really
do for me?” I know you're thinking that
because we had to form a PR task force specifically
to invent reasonable-sounding answers
to that very question! Here's what they said:
* The Nth blade redistributes the shavification
factor to cut the hair without actually cutting
it. It's some sort of zen thing.
* The trauma induced by the extra blades gliding
along your skin transforms your own epidermis
into nature's lubricating comfort gel.
* The blades-within-blades design means
never missing a spot, unless you're just an
incompetent idiot, or your razor has dulled
because you've used it longer than the recommended
5 strokes.
The N-blade razor from Shavenex. You've
never had a shave this smooth, close, and
comfortable, and until we release the N+1-
blade razor later this week, you never will!
HSP