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Issue 12
Fall 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

April 08, 2020
 
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Shaving Your Face Off Has Never Been Easier

By Chuck Alpha
Head of Public Relations, Shavenex Co Inc.
Hey there! Remember when Shavenex revolutionized shaving forever by revolutionarily creating a revolutionary two-blade disposable shaving revolution? With our seamless design and economical pricing, it was like getting two blades for the price of 1.9! Never a company to rest on its laurels (which are pretty sharp, by the way), however, a few years later we came out with the incredibly amazing and unprecedented THREE-blade razor! We promised that it was the best, closest shave EVER, a promise we kept for almost nine months - a veritable eternity in the world of disposable shaving systems - when we unveiled our innovative FOUR-blade razor, and declared in numerous ads that using an obsolete three-blade razor was like having a rabid badger gnaw your facial hair off. I don't mind saying now that we ditched that fourblade piece of crap faster than Superman changes into his outfit when our mind-bogglingly original FIVE-blade razor hit the market. But that was just the beginning....


Old razor

The deranged chaos that ensued over the next several months in the disposable shaving market, I am proud to say, brought tears to the eyes of many confused consumers. Any company would be delighted to have wrought such abject befuddlement to those who use its products. “After trying your 14-blade razor, I'll never go back to the single-digit blade count again! Yesterday in desperation I tried an 8- blade razor, only to have chunks of my face fall off like I was some sort of zombie leper! Oh dear god help me!” Such letters from satisfied customers are what make my job worth doing.

Finally it seemed like things had calmed down with the debut of the 23-blade Shavenex HydroMech Aquatron Palladium Turbo Triple X Plus. 23, we claimed, was the absolute maximum limit on blades that fundamental physics would allow.

Well thanks to breakthrough advances in string theory, dear customer, I am happy to announce that that is no longer the case! Introducing the ultra-new high-tech futuristic SHAVENEX NBLADE RAZOR!!!! By utilizing the universe's curled-up hidden extra dimensions, we've crammed so many blades onto a razor head that it's physically impossible to count them! What's the value of N? God only knows, but it's bigger than whatever the hell you're using now! I know what you're thinking: “I'm happy with N-1 blades. What does the Nth blade really do for me?” I know you're thinking that because we had to form a PR task force specifically to invent reasonable-sounding answers to that very question! Here's what they said:

* The Nth blade redistributes the shavification factor to cut the hair without actually cutting it. It's some sort of zen thing.

* The trauma induced by the extra blades gliding along your skin transforms your own epidermis into nature's lubricating comfort gel.

* The blades-within-blades design means never missing a spot, unless you're just an incompetent idiot, or your razor has dulled because you've used it longer than the recommended 5 strokes.

The N-blade razor from Shavenex. You've never had a shave this smooth, close, and comfortable, and until we release the N+1- blade razor later this week, you never will!  HSP 




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