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Issue 10
Fall 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

March 04, 2024

Iraq Declared "Safest Place in the World in the Event of a Hurricane"

There's Absolutely No Need To Worry. Everything is Under Control. Seriously.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following the recent string of overwhelmingly devastating hurricanes around the globe, as a public service, the Bush Administration has made a point of identifying regions most likely to avoid such natural calamities. Topping the list for the globe's most hurricane-safe zones were Antarctica, Central Australia, and with the highest rating, the location deemed the "Safest Place in the World in the Event of a Hurricane", was announced to be none other than the New Democratic Republic of Iraq, according to White House spokesman Scott McClellan, this past week. McClellan elaborated at a follow-up press conference. "Many Americans have been disappointed with FEMA's handling of the recent disaster relief for Hurricane Katrina, in Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana. Critics of this administration's disaster preparedness frequently cite the lack of available National Guard and Reserve personnel on the scene in New Orleans, many of whom are serving honorably overseas. This disappointment is understandable, if a bit misguided. As such, the President has come up with a four point plan to effectively enhance the relief effort for the refugees of New Orleans, and at the same time, bring democracy directly to Iraq. Starting this Christmas, all displaced citizens, independent of race or financial status, will be airlifted free of charge to civilian relocation centers in Al Nasiriyah, Fallujah, and downtown Baghdad."

Displaced New Orleans carpenter Marcus Jameson shared his reactions with HSP. "At first I was a little taken aback by the idea, having gotten comfortable on my cot on the 45th yard line of the Astrodome. However, upon reflection, I figured it was preferable to go someplace where there exists at least a marginally viable public infrastructure." Added, Tulane freshmen Mandy Jacobsen, "Thanks to the hard work of our active duty troops, civilian contractors, the Red Cross, and of course, the over 50,000 National Guard and Reserved forces stationed in Iraq, at least if there is some freak hurricane in the Middle East, the disaster relief experts and most of their equipment will already be right there. And besides, with a bunch of patriotic civilians like ourselves hanging around, it will be hard for our democratic ways not to rub off on the Iraqis. My dad thinks Baghdad will be holding completely free elections by next Christmas, as long as the New Orleansians have some say in the ruling council, of course. It's our home too, you know."

Mike, I never saw nothin' like that when I was in the National Guard that one week

New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin himself remained skeptical. "I'm all for airlifting supplies to people with their city effectively under the sea," explained Nagin, "but I'm a little bit iffy on airlifting people to supplies overseas. And speaking of airlifting, it would be nice if FEMA started dropping relevant relief supplies like food and blankets. With so much of our infrastructure already damaged by the biblical style flooding, the city isn't exactly in need of so many pianos dropped from a thousand feet." Iraqi prime minister Iyad Allawi also expressed some concerns in Arabic, which translated to something like, "You've got to be kidding me?"

According to Department of Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, the thousands of National Guardsmen and women stationed in Iraq, including over 3,000 from New Orleans, were actually helping to prevent hurricanes at home. "Although most people are inclined to think of Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Wilma as "natural" disasters," began Chertoff, "the DOHS may have intelligence indicating that the recent increased frequency and strength of Category 5 storms might possibly be linked, in theory, to an experimental Russian hurricane-generating space weapon left over from the Cold War, which may conceivably have been acquired by someone connected to Al Quaida. Clearly then, our military should be in Iraq, fighting hurricanes at their source."

The President himself added a final comment, "Although we couldn't bring the national guard home in time to Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama - you know how short- notice these national disasters are - we sure as hell can bring the disaster to Iraq. By Jesus, if that doesn't justify our conquest to spread democracy, freedom, and hurricane preparedness to the Middle East, I don't know what does."  HSP 





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