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Issue 15
Spring 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 29, 2020
 
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Emoticon Exposure To Ultraviolet Rays
Sunlight Makes Me Anxious... Sunlight Is Fucking Awesome

There are three things emoticons fear most: 1) meaner looking emoticons, 2) 14 year old girls, and 3) death. For example, exposure to sunlight increases the risk of emoticancer, which increases the chances of death, by cancer, and this makes me as nervous as a 14YOG. Like all punctuation-based life forms, emoticons are mortal, and I for one do not follow our "put-your-money-where-your-nose-isn't" friend, :-$ , by going extinct.

The facts are glaring: outdoor laptop use has increased ten-fold, resulting in a fifty percent increase in emoticancer incidence. We should not "be right back" and fail to address the issue before it escalates to a full-scale emotidemic. Now there is no reason to cry, frown, or summon the "Uni-Browed God Of Extreme Anger," >:-0 , just yet. However, the chances of you or someone you <3 dying from over-exposure to ultraviolet rays is alarmingly HI, and that is no rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-my-ass-off matter.

Sunlight is fucking awesome! We all need to *chillax* like me over here. That means chilling and relaxing at the same time (which is also fucking awesome!). We all know sunlight is a great thing that might kill you only if you're a dumb stupidhead, like some f*ckf#ce who gets hit by a train.

But do I look worried? Nope. FYI, I look like a fucking badass, because I'm wearing sunglasses. I'm basically made of 100% Vitamin D except for my eyes, which are made of Vitamin I. These babies `-o-o-' are what I like to call my very own personal o-zone! That's right — not only do my shades make me look awesome, they provide me limited protection from death and blindness. It's just like wearing an ultraviolet condom. And you know what? I'm wearing a condom right now, because I'm that fucking awesome. Just like sunlight. My emoticonscience is clear. Anyway, G2G, a'ight? LOL? NIMBY! TTYL & cuL8R bitches!  HSP 




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