Articles     Topics     Issues     Print Issues     Stills     Archives
 

Issue 14
Fall 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 29, 2020
 
Home      About       POLITICS   GLOBAL   SCIENCE   HEALTH   ECO   MONEY   SPORTS   ENTERTAINMENT   PERSONALS   LOCAL   HARVARD   RANDOM  MORE 
 RELIGION RELATED ARTICLES
Tom Brady Angers Christian Fans, Claims He is Better Than Jesus

Foxborough, Mass - New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady angered Christians across the nation yesterday by suggesting he is more talented than noted messiah Jesus Christ in an interview with the Boston Globe.

Asked how he thought he ranks among the greatest quarterbacks of all-time, Brady responded, "You know, that's hard to say. You don't want to get too ahead of yourself, but when all is said and done I'm hopeful that I'll rank right up there with the best. I mean, Jesus never threw six touchdowns in single game, did he?" Brady was referring to his recent performance against the Miami Dolphins.

In a reaction reminiscent of the response to John Lennon's famous 1966 comment that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus," Christian leaders from across the political spectrum lashed out against Brady.

Jesus Returns, Has To Wait In Line For Brady's Autograph Like Everybody Else

"I don't know how Tom Brady possibly imagines that he can even begin to compare himself to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ," said the Reverend Al Sharpton in an interview with MSNBC. "This just goes to show just how bloated the egos of today's pro athletes have become."

Meanwhile, angry Christians across America united to express their dismay with Brady and hastily created several hundred anti-Brady Facebook groups in which they discussed how they might possibly think about organizing rallies in the future to burn Tom Brady football jerseys, after they finished downloading the latest episode of Lost.

Even the Pope got into the act, issuing a statement from the Vatican in which he wrote in impeccable Latin, "Tom Brady represents all that is wrong with modern society. Even though he is a square-jawed, handsome man with outstanding leadership skills and one of the highest completion percentages in NFL history, that does not mean he ranks as an equal with Jesus. While it is true that Jesus never threw six touchdowns in a game, he also never had a wide receiver like Randy Moss."

Indeed, Jesus's best performance was 5 touchdowns and 2 interceptions against Damascus in October of AD 26, and his highest completion percentage in a single season was 67.6%, well below Brady's current record pace of 74%. Said ESPN football analyst John Clayton, "While it's true that most casual fans consider Jesus to be the greatest quarterback of all time, when you look at the actual numbers I think a case can be made for Brady, especially if he keeps up his pace this season."

"But we also have to consider that Jesus did a lot more with a lot less. While Brady has benefited from the coaching genius of Bill Belichick and the talents of some of the NFL's best players, Jesus was the savior of a woeful Bethlehem Badgers squad which he led to four Super Bowls despite having a very little talent around him."

"Sure Paul was a decent linebacker and James once kicked a 60-yard field goal, but running back Thomas was always doubting his own ability, and wide receiver Judas Iscariot was always afraid to go over the middle and eventually sold out to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for 30 pieces of silver after only 4 seasons with the team."

"You certainly can't compare any of those players to guys like Randy Moss, Teddy Bruschi, and Asante Samuel."  HSP 

 INFO BOX - Brady vs. JESUS
Tom Brady - National Football League Statistics
(through November, 2007)


Jesus Christ - Judea Football League Statistics




 PREVIOUS ARTICLE
 NEXT ARTICLE


 SPONSORED LINKS




 SPONSORED LINKS




 SPONSORED LINKS



 
   
 
Home     About       Issues        POLITICS    SCIENCE    LOCAL    ENTERTAINMENT    ARCHIVES   
 
Powered By

Hosted By the
Harvard Computer Society

Funded By the
Harvard Graduate Student Council

Inspired By
The Onion


Download PDFs
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License Creative Commons License

 
The Harvard Satyrical Press is not intended for readers under 18 years of age (Disclaimer) (c) Copyright 2020, The Harvard Satyrical Press, Some Rights Reserved