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Issue 09
Spring 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

March 23, 2023

FDA Withdraws Soma

Silver Spring, MD - In a brave new move that surprised the shit out of global uber pharmaceutical giants Pfizer, Merck, GlaxoSmithKline, Novartis, Amgen, and Astra Zeneca, the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recently announced the complete withdrawal of Soma, the much heralded wonder drug that alphas, betas, and gammas alike have been popping for decades for anything from minor anxiety to severe head injuries.

"Although Soma has long been touted as having all the advantages of Christianity and alcohol and none of their defects," noted Dr. Randolph G. Friedman of UC San Diego's newly endowed Kavli Cardiac Research Center, "unfortunately, it turns out that the drug results in a minor increase in the risk of heart disease amongst 40-70 year old men and women with at least one a cat or a screenplay in preparation."

"It's a real buzz kill what the FDA did," added U.S. Surgeon General Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.C.S, N.B.A, B.B.C, "I've been dropping Soma pills like they were breath mints since 1965. Guess I'll have to rough it for a while and prescribe myself some codeine until this whole mess washes over."

After the recent voluntary withdrawal of Vioxx - a widely used Cox-II inhibitor designed to relieve chronic joint pain, inflammation, and arthritis symptoms - by prominent drug maker Merck, the pharmaceutical industry itself its feeling the pains of mounting economic pressure. Merck itself added, "A gramme is better than a damn, and I'll be damned if I let all this delicious Soma go to waste. And it's not just the inhuman, multi-national corporation in me worrying frantically about my own teetering financial existence. Think of all the people out there."

Indeed, without her Soma, area woman Lenina Orwell was left to face the horrors of suburban Denver unaided. Until further research is able to identify a suitable replacement drug, doctors recommend doubling the dose of the well known shorter lasting, lower potency, drugs, Dozabrex, Napsomor, or Snoozextra.  HSP 





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