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Issue 01
January 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

July 04, 2020
 
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Vegetarians To Blame For Destruction of the Rainforests, Says Chevron

By Johnny Brazil
BERKELEY, CA -The worldwide decline of viable rainforest land has been exacerbated not by logging, deforestation, and the relentless greed of capitalism, but by the rampant spread of vegetarianism, claims Chevron, in a recent study. Chevron spokesman Chuck Tremaine explained that, "It's practically obvious when you think about it. I mean, where else do you find so many of the lush greens that the vegetarians consume like rabid vampires? There's a whole lot of green, leafy vegetables in the tropical rainforests of Brazil, Australia, and Indonesia...but not for long it seems."

Tremaine went on to describe in detail the statistics on how much lettuce, tomatoes, and rare endangered peppers vegetarians actually consume in the U.S. each year. "It's in the tons, for God's sake. This has to stop."

"What the fuck is he talking about?" says 22 year old UC Berkeley senior and Environmental Science major Rachel Wells, a practicing vegan since 1989. "Veganism/Vegetarianism is one of the most crucial things that individuals can do to help the environment."

Wells drew on her many semesters of expertise to add, "Science has clearly shown that an all meat diet requires the use of ten times as much farmland resources per capita than a vegetarian diet. We've known for years that the billions of excess calories of energy we put into the grain that feeds the cows could instead be used to feed the entire starving populations of China, India, and the entire Third World, if we in the U.S. were simply to transition to an all vegetarian diet. It seems Mr. Tremaine has consumed a bit too much unleaded along with his slab of disgusting cattle flesh." When asked to comment on Ms. Well's remarks, Mr. Tremaine chuckled, "She's probably not even a real vegetarian, let alone a vegan. Such hypocrisy." Tremaine went on to shake is head in disgust for several awkwardly long minutes.

Mobil CEO Ted Whitten also applauded the Chevron study, saying "It's about time someone got to the bottom of this", as we sat at his 50 foot polished redwood desk, and sipped Brandy fermented from the leaves of the Hawaiian Silver sword plant, of which there are less than 100 left in the world. "The figures clearly show that the world will be all but out of fresh broccoli, cauliflower, and lima beans by the year 2030. There's just no way to estimate the damage." When asked if he thought his position was consistent with Mobil's strong lobbying to drill for oil and mine coal in several endangered environments throughout the globe, Whitten replied, "It's not like we're tearing up the Arctic National Wildlife refuge for some goddamned Brussels sprouts and asparagus."

"Brussels sprouts and asparagus don't even grow in Alaska." Says French Canadian botanist Sebastien Charbonneau. "I suppose Mr. Whitten thinks that coal, natural gas, and oil also grow on trees. There's a difference between renewable resources like crops and un-renewable ones like fossil fuels. For example, one is renewable, and the other just fucking runs out."

U.S. Congressman William L. Travis of Texas warned that, "It's just not that simple. Mr. Charbonneau should look more in depth at the facts. I mean, just last night at the Hyatt's 59th floor Japanese Buffet, they were out of at least one of snow peas, green peppers, leeches, and/or rambutans. That never would have happened in the 90's before so many good people were swayed by all this vegetarian propaganda." Travis went on, "And you know what else bothers me, those vegetarians are always eating that Ben and Jerry's Rainforest Crunch. Granted, I think it tastes good and it clearly doesn't have any meat in it, but doesn't it seem a bit hypocritical to be eating the very thing they're supposed to be saving?" When informed that the ice cream didn't contain any actual rainforest, and additionally had all of its profits diverted to help saving the rainforests and endangered species therein, Travis remarked with a grin. "Yeah, that's believable. They'd be out of business after ¾ of a fiscal year, tops."

Ms. Wells continued. "I can't even believe what I'm hearing. These guys must have galaxy-sized testicles. It's like totally obvious that the emission of harmful greenhouse gasses, the unchecked deforestation of protected habitats, the barbaric slaughter of wildlife, and the raping of the earth's fossil fuels are responsible for the degradation of the environment. Chevron and Mobil should take their heads out of each other's oil-rich asses and start putting money into solar power and hydrogen fuel technology before its too late. Their profit-driven reliance on fossil fuels until the very last minute will be our downfall."

"And what do these people really mean by "fossil" fuels anyway?" asked Tremaine "It's not like we're going to put a giant piece of coal and some barrels of crude oil on exhibit next to the trilobites and tyrannosaurus skeletons in the Museum of Natural History. Fossils. That's just preposterous! Just imagine...gasoline in a museum. What will these plant-hating communists think of next? "

"Gasoline on exhibit at the Smithsonian? Maybe not in your lifetime, grandpa." remarked Wells in response, as she munched on a carrot on her way to the parking lot. Looking at me she added, "I'm just glad I won't be bringing any children into this world", as she somberly clicked open the lock to her brand new 2003 Subaru Outback SUV. When asked if she could actually see out the rear window through all those Sierra Club, Go Cal Bears!, and Gore 2000 stickers, Wells finished her carrot and asked me if I wanted to get some coffee. After about three seconds of thought, weighing the benefits of asking her difficult questions about her gas mileage, vs. a cold, refreshing Mocchachino, I got in the car and we headed for the nearest Starbucks, only 200 feet, 3 traffic lights, and 7.2 liters of petrol away.  HSP 




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