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Issue 14
Fall 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

December 09, 2023

Disappointed Would-Be Translator Told "Farting is Not A Language"

Stink Creek, Mississippi - Ronald W. Odious has always known that he was special, but he did not realize just how special he was until he reached the fifth grade. "That's when I realized I had the gift," Mr. Odious said, taking bite out of a triple-layer chili cheeseburger and eyeing a side of batter-encrusted deep fried re-fried beans. "I always sensed that I was different from other kids, but it wasn't until I got to the fifth grade that I realized that I was naturally bilingual, and had found my true calling."

Mr. Odious, who works at a local dairy farm said he was delighted to discover this natural talent as a child, but was overwhelmed with joy when he realized, as an adult, that he could use it to communicate with the cows who are in his charge. "Sometimes it's hard if I haven't had a lot of beans for breakfast, then the cows would say something and I'd have to stand there for a while before I can answer. It gets to be a little straining after a while." Wilson Beakman, a doctoral student in linguistics who is writing his dissertation on Mr. Odious, said that he has so far identified a vocabulary consisting of over ten thousand individual sounds and nearly one thousand distinct smells. Mr. odious, however, has found out that just because he has a unique talent it doesn't mean that everyone appreciates him. Recently he applied for a translator position at the US State Department, only to be told in no uncertain terms that "...farting is not a language."

Mr. Odious, who clearly considers himself a patriot, is still upset at the way he was treated by the government. "I mean really, we have this war on terror happening, and I volunteer my services - it's not like I speak some dead language like Latin or Esperanto, and I'm naturally bilingual! Most people only know a few words, and they don't even know what they're saying half the time," Mr. Odious said, looking thoroughly disgusted. He then adding something in a language which this reporter can only guess emphasized his disappointment with the federal government.

The State Department press office declined to comment for this story.  HSP 





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