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Issue 08
Fall 2004

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 16, 2021

Putin Enters Biweekly Weight-Lifting Program to Increase Power Even Further

Moscow, Russia - Russian President V. Putin, disillusioned with his capability to consolidate National power into his own mortal body, has begun a twice-a-week training program at the popular Moscow Weight Training Facility (CCCM).

The one hundred and forty-pound weakling met with stiff resistance at the likes of the Leg Curl and Power Slide, powered by the patented Isokinetic Resistance System (CCCIO).

"It is good to feel some resistance which is not Chechen in origin," Putin remarked offhand as he lifted a moderate amount with bad technique, using his back to support the weight which should be born by his spindly arms.

Putin hopes to one day join the ranks of famous powerful Russians like Igor "Igor" Sampson and the renowned Michaelya Bison, who trained several winters in the depths of Siberia picking up tigers, trees, and stray meteorites. The Russian public is not so hopeful, noticing that Putin does not have the stout frame of other democratic leaders like the late Joseph Stalin, or even the acclaimed Canadian pop star Celine Dion.

US President Bush, when asked if he planned similar courses of action to fight terrorism and other things, said he "didn't need have any use for that push-and-pull weight training. I think I can get a good build to my upper body just trying to strong-arm the election. As the American people know, the troops are my muscle."  HSP 





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