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Issue 16
Fall 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

April 16, 2024

Obama Sets Timetable For Personally Killing Bin Laden

By Barack Obama
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI - My Fellow Americans. Although you might not have known it from my previous speeches, which were mostly about hope, ending the Iraq war, and restoring American credibility abroad, what I really want this November is a bit more ambitious. In these coming weeks, I may have to put the financial crisis aside, delay my plan to personally end racism, and if needed, I may even go so far as to suspend my campaign. But believe me America when I tell you that it is all for an even greater good. And rest assured that my simple goal — something my predecessor failed at miserably — will be wrapped up before you know it. I mean how hard can it be? Its not like I'm talking about peace in the Middle East by next Tuesday. All I want is to personally hunt down and kill Osama Bin Laden with my bare black hands.

In the first debate, you may have noticed that I seemed uncharacteristically itchy to send in more troops and re-invade the fuck out of Afghanistan. Well what was I supposed to say? I can't have America thinking I'm soft on terror. But just between you and me, you can ignore all that hawk pandering bomb rhetoric, and know that even though I might have hinted about my unhesitating willingness to deploy our military if necessary, my real desire is simply to bring the perpetrator of 9/11 to justice with my fists. Although I won't lie to you — its not like I'm actually planning to bring a knife to a gun fight. Remember, I went to Harvard.

And if he happens to be hiding out over the border in Pakistan, I sure as hell won't let some imaginary lines on a map stop me from keeping America secure. If Pakistan doesn't cooperate, and we have actionable intelligence, have no doubt that I will be the one taking intelligent action — just as I've practiced with my own Obama and Bin Laden action figures, which both sadly lack kung fu grip. Some people will call me a vigilante, and some will call me an elitist vigilante, but if other people can't get the job done then I've learned that there's just no substitute for doing it yourself. After all, justice is blind, and Bin Laden will be too after I shove my fist through his good eye.

I know what you're thinking. You think all this tough guy shit is just me overcompensating for my silly Muslim sounding name — a surname which, ironically, is just a typo away from the very person I'm trying to erase. Well, in my defense, what the hell do you expect me to do after getting stuck with the most politically unfortunate name in US history? My parents might as well have named me George Mussolini Stalin Bush. If Bush himself hadn't been so busy manufacturing dubious links between Saddam and Bin Laden in the days leading up to the war, and if he had learned to read, he might have realized that "Danger" is not my middle name. That being said, I think it's reasonably obvious that the only way I can silence my name-calling critics is by personally murdering the shit out of America's biggest terrorist nemesis. Personally.

Not only will I murder him in the face and kill him until he's dead. I will also execute the shit out of him no fewer than 70 times (one for each non-existent virgin). Not even South Park could kill Kenny as frequently and consistently. Some may call that overkill, and technically, they'd be correct, but I think America deserves no less than for Bin Laden's corpse to be reduced to its constituent atoms and molecules. Unlike my geriatric opponent, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to protect America. All by myself.

Obama Narrowly Wins Bin Laden Hating Contest

John McCain did say he'd follow Bin Laden to the gates of hell. Well, I will concede that John's a hell of a lot closer to getting there than I am, but I don't think he's really up to the task of returning to this Earth after crossing the threshold. Its not that John doesn't care. He just doesn't get it. He's just not GOOD enough. Being free from sin, I of course will have no problem reaching across the aisle and returning with my soul uncorrupted. In practice, we're not really talking about hell, but merely some cave in the mountains on the Afghanistan / Pakistan border with little to no electricity or internet access. If that is the stage where I have to dismember the ranking member of Al Qaida, then so be it. I will meet Bin Laden in combat any time, anywhere, without preconditions. That's how confident I am.

While many Americans may doubt my fighting ability due to my remarkably poor showing at bowling, let there be no doubt that I'm no stranger to armed conflict. When I was a community organizer, working the tough streets of Chicago, the gangs, pimps, and drug dealers all knew who was organizing the fucking community. When I was the editor of the Harvard Law review, the printers never told me it was too late to typeset a last minute piece about minority rights in the Harkness cafeteria, because nobody says no to Barack. In Hebrew, my name means lightning, and its no surprise that this also perfectly describes the powerful electrical discharges I can emit at will from my black, black eyes. In addition, after several months of training with a 900 year old, three foot tall, unintelligible, green fighting master (Dennis Kucinich), I can even deflect surface to air missiles and defuse suitcase nukes with my thoughts. Believe me when I say I'm ready to show evil who's boss.

I am Barack Obama and I Approve This Message !

They say a timetable will give Bin Laden a strategic advantage, in that it will allow him to know exactly when I'm coming to smoke him out of his undisclosed cavehole. What they ignore is that none of this will matter when I smash the timetable on his terror-masterminding head. Let him know my exact whereabouts and whenabouts. It makes no difference because nothing can stop me. I will drop hope bombs till he's hopeless. I will make him watch Britney Spears videos until he begs for mercy. I will employ rhetorical devices so inspiring, that no one — not even the chief of Al Qaida — will be able to resist voting for me. Let's face it, I'm simply an irresistible force of nature, kind of like a hurricane who kills terrorists instead of poor people. Timetable shmimetable!

So mark my words, America, and heed them well. Because somewhere between the hours of 8 and 11PM Kabul time, on the 3rd of November in the year 2008 of our Lord Jesus Christ, the devil's time is up.

Peace, B. H. O.  HSP 

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