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Issue 07
Spring 2004

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

April 16, 2024

Romance Discovered In Outer Solar System

CAMBRIDGE, MA - According to scientists at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, evidently Uranus' moon Miranda and Neptune's largest moon, Titan, have been "getting it on", for much of the past few months. "Yes, technically they are not in physical contact," noted noted Astrophysicist Bob Kirshner, "but you'd be surprised at the sheer amount of practically pornographic content that can be encoded in low amplitude gravitational waves." Titan also had this to say. "You earthly scientists should have figured this stuff out a long time ago. Granted, you haven't yet detected any remnant gravity waves from the Big Bang, or figured out what they mean, but come on people, it doesn't take that much imagination to know what's on the universe's mind here." Mars' small moons, Phobos and Deimos had no comment, presumably because no one ever asks them anything. Jupiter's largest moon, Ganymede, gave only a small shout out to Miranda and Titan, but he did begin hitting on Earth's moon in earnest, indicating that if orbital dynamics made it possible, he'd very much like to be "the man on the moon, if you know what I'm saying."  HSP 





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