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Issue 17
Spring 2009

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

July 12, 2024

Celine Dion and 50 Cent Team Up For New Album

NEW YORK CITY - After meeting at a Grammy after-party thrown by Diddy this year, Celine Dion and 50 Cent spent the rest of the night an adjacent recording studio working on new music. The new tunes are slated to appear in the highly unexpected, forthcoming collaborative album, tentatively titled "Straight Outta French Canada". The rather surprising project was announced by the musicians' somewhat hastily formed joint record label, SONY BMG-Unit Music, arranged just after pictures surfaced of Dion leaving Fiddy's building the next morning wearing the rapper's Yankees jacket from the night before.

"Celine was getting a crash course on hip-hop culture," said her publicist, Rachel Charbonneau. "She decided she needed to wear traditional 'hip hop gear' in order to see what its really like to be a rapper and feel the deep essence of the genre". Asked if their collaborative efforts would primarily have a hip-hop edge, Dion's publicist responded, "It will be a good mixture. They discovered during their first 'session' that Celine could lay down some pretty gritty lyrics and that she could even get Fiddy to belt out some of the high notes that she's so famous for."

When asked to comment on giving Dion a "crash course" in African-American hip-hop culture, 50 exclaimed, "Shawty was bangin'!" In response, her publicist quickly commented that, "50 is referring to the cover version of Tupac's 'Shorty Wanna Be a Thug' that they recorded. Celine achieved real catharsis on this track, reminding her of her own humble beginnings in Quebec." Since their first session, Dion and 50 have been meeting every Thursday night around midnight at the Excelsior Hotel on the West side to continue recording music. When reporters expressed surprise at the existence of a recording studio at the Excelsior, Dion's publicist remarked, "They're using their own recording equipment in order to capture the raw energy of the vibe they've got going". A check with the Hotel confirmed that they've received complaints from other guests about the volume level emanating from the suite used by the unlikely duo.

Apparently Dion, who now answers only to the DJ moniker "CD On", has been writing some of the music for the album. Her publicist said that she was recently inspired by the process of the ongoing collaboration to write a song called 'Guilty Pleasures'. "It's about doing the thrilling things in life you know you shouldn't be — and getting away with it. She says a lot of her friends in the entertainment industry will readily identify with it". When asked about the song, all 50 would say was: "Shorty be gettin' naaaasty on that one!".

Some record executives speculate that the 50-Celine project will revolutionize the music business, finally yielding the long awaited synthesis of overproduced, generic hip-hop and terrible, contemporary adult music. "CD On" herself has been quoted saying, "Once you've gone where I've gone, its pretty hard to go back." When asked if a successful album would indeed lead to long term collaboration between himself and Dion, Fiddy flashed a grin, shook his head and jumped into the back of his luxury Escalade crammed full of giggling, scantily clad young women. As the driver pulled away, one could clearly make out the beat of Biggie's iconic demo tape, "Love No Ho." Dion's publicist could not be reached for comment, although sources told HSP that she could most likely be found somewhere, 'In Da Club'.  HSP 





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