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Issue 14
Fall 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021
Bush Amends Constitution to Ban Only Monogamous Gay Relationships

Washington, DC - In a domestic policy move consistent with the newly announced invasion of Iran, president Bush has relaxed his original stance on gay marriage, introducing a constitutional amendment to ban only monogamous gay relationships.

As the President noted to a crowd of 300,000 in the Castro District of San Francisco, "I've given up fighting with the gay community. In the spirit of good faith between all our citizens, I've taken the liberty of creating a new constitutional amendment granting the right for all you homoerectuses to gay marry one another, provided you follow some reasonable guidelines. First, have all the sodomy you want. In fact, have lots of it. As long as you're a raging man whore, I'm all for it. Provided, of course, that the idea of a functional gay family is undermined due to all the cheating and reckless behavior. Basically, this is a special case when you can ignore the ten commandments and covet the shit out of your neighbor's man-wife. Remember adultery is compulsory."

"Second, we can't call it marriage. And a civil union just sounds too formal, like something Abraham Lincoln would be into. As such, I give you the man slut satan pact. We must be more tolerant of our brothers who are different from us, and just like with real marriage, gay Americans must preserve the sanctity of man slut satan pacts."

When asked about his focus on male gay marriage, Bush explained, "Don't push your luck, ladies. I don't think America is ready for gay rights for women. We certainly aren't ready for a female president who looks like she'd be good at rugby, if you know what I mean."  HSP 





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