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Issue 09
Spring 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2019
 
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Internet Access Now Limited to Patriots

George Tenet
Washington D.C. - Despite being best known as the "I'm resigning due to personal reasons" fall guy for the Bush administration's misuse of intelligence in its attempt to dissemble/persuade the public into supporting the war in Iraq, former CIA Director George Tenet still packs a punch when it comes to embodying the "everyone is a terrorist threat" pulse of the current U.S. government. "Access to networks like the World Wide Web might need to be limited to those who can show they take security seriously", he said, in a private press conference at the Grand Meridian Hotel last month, while brandishing a CIA surplus pulse rifle trained steadily at the press corps' wireless network cards and heads throughout the event. "I know that these actions will be controversial in this age when we still think the Internet is a free and open society with no control or accountability," Tenet continued, "but ultimately the Wild West must give way to governance and control. To that end, as an integral part of the third...or is it the fourth?...version of the Patriot Act, from hereon and henceforth, Internet access shall now be limited to Patriots"

When pressed on the precise definition of "Patriot" by BBC Investigative reporter Greg Palast, Tenet unloaded a high energy plasma pulse into the right side of the third and fourth rows, killing 20, including the entire capitol hill staff of Reuters, the San Diego Union Tribune, and USA Today. Tenet later called the act a "warning shot". With the former definition left unspecified, a literal, strict constructionist interpretation has emerged as the effective consensus.

New England quarterback, and 3-time Super Bowl champion, Tom Brady had this to say. "At first, I thought it was kind of cool that we were the only ones allowed to use the web, but this shit is getting ridiculous. I thought that people really came out of the woodwork when I signed my first multi-million dollar contract, but this is putting those days to shame. Tom, can you Google this for me? Tom can you possibly check something on Wikipedia for me for my book report? Sorry you didn't win a third Super Bowl MVP, but anyway, would you mind downloading that new U2 album from iTunes? If one more person asks me to translate a paragraph into Spanish with Babel Fish, I swear, I'll throw a football through their head."

"I long for the days", star running back Corey Dillon lamented, "when the standard request I got was a letter written in crayon from some kid in Cincinnati pleading for an autographed replica jersey. My carpal tunnel is killing me."

New England All Pro safety Rodney Harrison added. "After the Super Bowl victory, I was hoping to take a little time to ice my shoulder, play Grand Theft Auto with my crew, and spend some time with the family, you know. But right now that looks about as likely as peace in the Middle East. I know we're the only ones who are allowed to use the information superhighway now, but couldn't they just give regular folks a guest pass or something, you know, for good behavior. For example, let's say you haven't spoken with Al Quaida or Hezbollah in like 3 weeks, or ever, then maybe you could get a couple of hours on a Saturday to surf and shit. But that's just me."

Post comments, Harrison was summarily released and signed off waivers by the Houston Texans. Soon after, the Texans were disbanded from the league. Tenet cited security concerns as the primary reason. When asked why accurate computational models of weather predictions and the fundamental nature of human consciousness were such intractable academic problems, Tenet cited security concerns.

For reference, to secure a vicarious web connection, call 1 (900) PAT-RIOT, and you will hear the following automated message: "Dear suspected traitor and terrorist. Please hold for the next available Patriot. This call...along with all others you make...is important to us, and will be monitored for quality assurance and, eh, security purposes. In any case, you might as well do something else while you wait, because there are only about 100 players on the 2005 active roster and upwards of 200 million former U.S. internet users who no longer have such a privilege. Players on injured reserve are available for uploads only. Thank you and have a nice day."

Added Trenton New Jersey high school sophomore Matt Kinsey, "I guess I'm pretty good at football, but I'll have to train really hard for the next 3-5 years, get a top notch agent, and maneuver quite strategically for the right draft position if I ever want to enjoy live streaming porn again."

"Draft," interrupted Tenet, eyes brightening. "What a great idea! I've got to give Dick Lugar a call. Well with the Iraq war snafu, high mortality rate, low pay, lack of body armor and all that, college loans and the promise of honor and glory don't seem to cut it anymore. However, I doubt prospective recruits would hold the same reservations if we were to offer, say, unlimited access to a high bandwidth wireless connection."  HSP 




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